Jokes of the week

Beatitude in heaven: Fr. Charlie was teaching his Sunday school class. He asked the class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” “NO!” the children all answered. “If I did all my priestly duties well, and practiced the beatitudes in my life, would that get me into Heaven?” the Pastor asked. Again, the answer was, “NO!” “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved and served my parish, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” “Well”, he continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” Five-year-old little Johnny shouted out, “First you have to die.”

Beatitude in marriage: A grandmother, celebrating her golden wedding anniversary, once told the secret of her long and happy marriage. “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook,” she said. A guest asked the woman what some of the faults she had chosen to overlook were. The grandmother replied, “To tell you the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’” Today, the words of the beatitudes invite us to consider anew our dependence on God, to acknowledge Him as the supreme authority in our lives and to find the source of our identity and happiness in Him.

To a Loving Wife:  A couple from North Alabama decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife a e-mail back in North Alabama. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. It’s really hot down here.

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